If you know me at all, you know that one of my favourite things to do is to hate things. It’s like a pastime of mine. Some people paint, others play a sport, whereas me, I like to develop hatred towards any arbitrary thing that catches my attention. It’s very healthy. At least, that’s what I’d imagine a therapist would say about it if I were to ever consult one. Perhaps the only thing in this world that I don’t hate is when people tell me to “stop sippin’ the haterade.” Because really, who could get mad at an amazing turn of phrase like that?! Speaking of turns of phrases (an immaculate segue if I do say so myself), the point of this blog is to hate on a very different turn of phrase. The phrase I’m referring to is one that has caused my level of hate to rise to a point so high that its altitude is unmatched by almost anything else I can think of (except perhaps current gas prices. HA! topical, right?). The expression I’m referring to is “life’s too short.” These three words when used in this order have caused my blood to boil to such an extent that I have no choice but to write a blog about it that no one will read. (I really have to work on a more violent way to express my anger.)

If for no other reason at all, I hate the phrase “life’s too short,” simply because it’s cliché and completely devoid of any real meaning. Perhaps someone should tell people who say the phrase “life’s too short” that life IS too short. Life is definitely too short to be an unoriginal douchebag who says things like “life’s too short.” Yeah douchebag, life IS too short. It’s too short for you because, if there was any justice in the world, you would be killed immediately for using the phrase “life’s too short.” By the way, I’m aware of the painful irony of using the phrase “life’s too short” to make fun of those who say “life’s too short.” But I’ve never claimed to be anything other than an unoriginal douchebag, so it’s okay.

Of course, this rant isn’t going to end here (though I suspect you might wish it did). My problems with this expression extend way beyond its banal nature. I hate the phrase “life’s too short,” mostly because I hate the people who use it. In my experience, the people who use this phrase are optimists. These optimists are usually attempting to shrug off some sort of negative experience, or alternatively, attempting to persuade others to shrug off a negative experience. Did I mention I hate optimists? What the fuck is there to be optimistic about in this world? Next time you’re feeling even slightly optimistic, think about a starving child and put your shit back into perspective. But this is a discussion for a different time. My problem here is that people who use the phrase “life’s too short” aren’t even good optimists. Like, if you’re going to be optimistic, be optimistic. Marry a kitten at 5 in the morning or do whatever the fuck it is that optimists do. Don’t just continually remind yourself and others of their impending doom. By saying “life’s too short,” you’re basically saying “you’re going to die and so will all of your friends and family” This is a wildly inappropriate thing to tell someone when they’ve just had some sort of negative experience. Could you imagine if you were to come to me and tell me “I lost my job today,” and I was to respond by saying “Don’t worry too much man. You and everyone you know will die.” I’d imagine the reception to this would be a lot less welcoming than if I were to have said “Don’t worry too much man. Life’s too short.” MEANWHILE, I’M SAYING THE EXACT SAME THING. As an optimist, I’ve completely failed. A much better way to approach this would have been to respond, “That sucks. But go ahead and dwell on that as long as you want because you’ll get over it eventually and then you’ll have the rest of eternity to do other shit since we are all immortal.” Of course, I’d be lying, not to mention speaking in run-on sentences. But let’s be honest, aren’t all optimists liars anyways (to themselves)? I’m kidding. Sort of.

I know what you’re thinking now. You’re probably thinking, there’s NO WAY he has MORE to say about this topic. And like the clairvoyant individual I am, I’m right. Unfortunately, however, you are not. I still have a shit ton to say about this topic. Why, you may ask? Well, your answer is as good as mine. The next reason I hate the phrase “life’s too short” is because it presupposes effective time management skills; something people do not consider when they say it. Go ahead and say “life’s too short.” Sure. Just recognize that if you’re going to do so, you must be prepared to defend your use of every minute of your life. What the fuck do you do with your time anyways that’s so important that you can’t take some time out to experience a negative emotion that could potentially help you grow as a human being? I’ll go so far as to say that if you’ve ever watched even five minutes of MTV programming, the phrase “life’s too short” is off limits to you. Otherwise, the implication of this is that you’re aware of your mortality at all times and yet you STILL chose to watch that episode of Jersey Shore. By saying, “life’s too short” one is basically saying that every moment he/she has ever spent on this Earth has been devoted to something profoundly important. If this is the case, I relinquish you the right to use the expression “life’s too short” without any sort of judgement. I doubt, however, that such a person would want this right. There’s no way that such a profound individual would say a shitty phrase like “life’s too short.”

I’m almost done. I promise. For now, you’re forced to continue reading because you’re pretty much pot-committed. Anyways, my hatred for the aforementioned expression reaches its most tenacious when the expression is qualified with a specific condition. From time to time, I will see a statement that says something like “Life is too short to ____________ (insert something stupid here). When this happens, I get angrier than Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie from Saved By The Bell) must have been when her film career didn’t take off after all the distasteful nudity in “Showgirls.” And yes, I’m going with that ridiculously outdated, obscure movie reference because I can’t think of anything better. Recently, I saw a caption on someone’s facebook picture that actually said the words “life is too short to be anything but happy.” The level of stupidity of this caption is actually what inspired this blog post. First of all anonymous person, why is this the caption to your picture? Is this really what the picture is supposed to convey? This exact sentiment? Did you think it would portray an image of you as being a cute, fun-loving individual? Or, was it a misguided attempt to be deep? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. In any case, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT EVEN MEAN?  Life is too short to experience a full range of human emotions? Huh? I want to sit down with this person and explain to them how emotions work as if they were three years old. I want to explain to this person that emotions work based on a sense of relativity. Does this person not understand that, without ever experiencing unhappiness, she wouldn’t understand what it means to be happy? If happiness is the only thing she ever feels then she won’t be able to appreciate it and she’ll just be an ungrateful asshole. If this is the existence she wants, she should just plug into the fucking matrix and leave the rest of us alone. I wonder what this person must think about people who suffer from depression. In her opinion, are depressed people just not aware enough of their mortality? I can imagine that, in her mind, she must think that crippling depression just shows up to someone’s door and has a conversation like this:

Depression:  “Hey, I’m here to greatly hinder your progress as a human being for the next little while”

Human: “Fuck off depression. I’m dying in 60 years”

Depression: “Damnit! Another person who knows how short life is. We’d be able to get so many more people if it wasn’t for that girl’s caption on her facebook picture!”

How does she not understand that emotions are not dictated by one’s awareness of their mortality? To take her conclusion further; if life is too short to be anything but unhappy, she clearly does not experience sadness. This means that this girl has no empathy. She probably watches World Vision commercials and feels the same emotions she feels while skipping rope (simply because life is too short to feel anything else). This leads me back to the conclusion that this girl is an ungrateful asshole. Clearly this girl is a horrible person and not worth talking about anymore.

So, in conclusion, please don’t use the expression “life’s too short.” There is, of course, one exception. If you are using the phrase “life’s too short” to describe why you didn’t read this blog post, I’ll support your usage 100%