trump

So, the election is finally over. After a hard fought battle, 2 billion dollars spent on the campaign trail, and 340932409229 twitter jokes too many, Barack Obama has emerged as the victor. It is now time for the world to look past some of the campaign rhetoric and concentrate on what really matters: the specific details of economic and social policy. LOLOLOL JK. If historical precedent has taught us anything, the world will forget about politics and go back to being apathetic within a week. That being said, there is one thing about this election that I want to make sure everyone remembers vividly; Donald Trump’s call for a revolution. Yup, you read that right. Donald Trump, displeased with the results of the election, tweeted “More votes equals a loss…revolution!” Donald Trump. Yes, that Donald Trump; probably sitting in one of his several private jets, eating caviar, wearing a ring with conflict diamonds on it, called for a revolution. Do me a favour; take a second, close your eyes, and conjure a mental image of Donald Trump standing in front of a blazing fire, hair piece blowing in the wind, yelling “let the shackles of society fall.” Something about that mental picture just doesn’t seem right, does it? A revolution spearheaded by the same man who decides which celebrity gets to stay another week on “Celebrity Apprentice?”

Though not an easy feat to accomplish, calling for a revolution may just be the most obnoxious thing Donald Trump has ever done. Keep in mind, this guy has done a lot of obnoxious shit in his lifetime. This is the same guy who once said the words “Mac Miller is the next Eminem.”  That being said, within the last two weeks, Donald Trump’s level of idiocy has reached an all time high. A couple weeks ago, he put out a youtube video saying that he would donate 5 million dollars to charity if Obama released his passport and college records to the public. “Frankly, it’s a cheque that I very much want to write” Trump said in the video. No, Donald. It clearly isn’t a cheque you very much want to write. If you very much wanted to write the cheque, you’d have written the fucking cheque. What was the point of filming that video Trump? You knew Obama wasn’t going to release his college and passport records to the public. It’s almost as if you wanted the public to think that it was Obama’s fault that some poor charity was being deprived of 5 million dollars. No Donald, it wasn’t. Unless I’m mistaken, you’re the one who controls that money. But, of course, Trump never had any intention of donating that money. I’d call it an empty promise but that would be unfair to the reputation of empty promises. The only thing emptier than that promise is the hole where Donald Trump’s soul should be.

Plain and simple, this election was not kind to the reputation of Donald Trump. Frankly, I’m surprised that some PR person didn’t go out of their way to forcibly remove twitter from all of Trump’s electronic devices. Towards the end of the election, I’m sure even Mitt Romney was like “hey dude, it’s cool if you endorse me, but maybe don’t feel the need to talk about it so much.” All of this, of course, culminated in Donald Trump’s angry call for a revolution. Now, maybe I’m missing something here, but why on EARTH would Donald Trump want to overthrow the system? The current system has been disproportionately, irrationally kind to Donald Trump. Donald Trump’s father, a real estate mogul worth about 400 million dollars at the time of his death, took Donald into the family business right out of University. Since then, Trump has been forced to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection for no less than three of his organizations. It’s a wonder to me that he believes that he is credible enough to publish business books. Meanwhile, despite his business failures, the dude is still worth about 700 million dollars. I repeat: why on EARTH would Donald Trump want to overthrow the system? Right about now is the point where some smart ass is probably going to point out that when Trump called for a revolution, he wasn’t actually calling for a full scale overhaul of the system…he was just saying that Romney should not have lost the election while he was still ahead in the popular vote. Granted. But then, why the hell did he call it a revolution? I’m sure he wasn’t calling for a “revolution” when the same thing happened in 2000. Unfortunately Donald, this is the way elections in the United States have always worked. It’s something that people might expect you to understand given that you were planning to run for President at one point. Remember that? LOL. What’s even funnier is that, in the end, Obama did win the popular vote. Trump didn’t even wait until results stopped funnelling in to call for this revolution. Of course, all of this makes sense when you consider Trump’s life trajectory. Dude is a trust-fund baby who has never been deprived of anything in his entire life. For some reason (tax credits), he really wanted Romney to win and when that didn’t happen he threw a tantrum. The whole system should change so that little entitled Donald can get his way! He had no hesitation when invoking the violent imagery of revolution. It did not occur to him that “revolution” is something people call for when they lack basic necessities, when they are willing to die for their cause. Donald Trump probably has no idea what a revolution even looks like.

In 1970, the late, revered poet Gil Scott-Heron released his classic spoken-word piece entitled “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.” In Donald Trump’s likely conception of the revolution, it would probably be a fucking pay-per-view event; “The Revolution: Brought to you by Trump Real Estate.” He’d buy billboards to promote the revolution and put his stupid, fucking face on them. Worse yet, Trump would probably find an asinine way to incorporate the revolution into one of his celebrity apprentice challenges. I can see it now; “the team that recruits the most rebels will receive immunity and the team who loses will have to face…the boardroom.”  In the boardroom, Trump would probably give an obnoxious speech about the proper method of recruiting rebels before firing the project manager for not having the foresight to go after disenfranchised youth or something…..Of course, this is no more than a fairy tale concocted within the deluded mind of Donald Trump. It baffles me that Donald Trump does not realize that in any real revolution, he would likely be the first person to die.

**Disclaimer: By no means am I advocating violence against Donald Trump. It’s a shame that I have to disclaim this, but a lot people on the internet are stupid and might take that last sentence the wrong way.

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